Golda Poretsky is Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love and Fashion's resident "Fat Queen of Speed Dating." But didya know she's teaching anonline course this summer on body love? Well, we'll get to that in a minute. But first, here's an excerpt from her fab chapter in H&H: Back on that muggy April evening in 2006, I wasn’t the fierce fatty that I am now. This was the “Before Time,” before my fat era, before I knew that calling myself fat could be a great thing, before I heard of Kate Harding or Paul Campos, before I devoted my life to being a Health At Every Size counselor. I was just a “plus-sized” late-twenties lawyer who was looking for a few good men to date. And so I found myself at a non-descript Soho bar at a Speed Dating For Young Professionals event. I got there just as the event was about to start and took a quick scan of the room. There were the usual speed dating suspects — men in suits looking bored, women with impossibly flat-ironed hair wearing the latest Banana Republic offerings. No one other than me was wearing the latest Lane Bryant dress, and I had a feeling that most of these women wouldn’t know what Lane Bryant was if you asked. I caught a glimpse of a tall, broad-shouldered guy in a really well-made suit, who my brain registered as “hot,” but I soon shifted my attention to the event organizer, a compact, blond young man with thespian mannerisms who was motioning to me to get signed in and take a seat. The first round of speed dating went by in a blur. Apparently, the event was overbooked, so we only had three minutes to talk with each guy before he was off to the next table. Three minutes is absolutely no time to get to know anyone, but it’s also the perfect amount of time to get to know someone when you realize that you instantly dislike him. Most of the guys were friendly but sort of non-descript. I was supposed to be taking notes on each of them so I would know which ones to check off at the end of the night, but I started losing track after Dude #4. The weird thing was I actually liked speed dating. Just a few months before, I had come to the conclusion that I had to start changing the way I thought about myself and my life. Until then, I had held every negative, horrible belief about being fat and dating that one could possibly believe. I believed that for someone to date me, they would have to “get past” my fat. They would have to love me in spite of my fat. The idea that someone could be attracted to all of me was something I couldn’t even consider. Every time I went on a jdate or an okcupid date or a match.com date I went in with the expectation that the dude would be disappointed.
Then something started to shift for me. I still hadn't heard of fat acceptance or body acceptance, so, instead of starting to accept my body for its own sake, I made a different sort of crazy decision (or what seemed crazy to me at the time). I decided that I was going to focus on having fun. I was going to seek out fun in every aspect of my life. I was going to seek out the fun in different experiences. I felt that if I could focus on fun, I would attract more fun, and I’d be happier. The amazing thing is that it actually worked. I started to have more fun dating (and trying on clothes, and looking at myself in the mirror). When I went on a date with someone new, I decided to have fun with that person. If they wanted to have fun with me, the date went well. If the dude wasn’t feeling it, that was his problem. It’s an incredibly healing thing to come home from a date that didn’t go so well and not feel like your prodigious belly was the cause. So, as a result, I was actually enjoying speed dating, and the first round flew by. After I'd met ten guys in about thirty minutes, the organizer called time and told us we’d have a ten minute break. Knowing that there would be a rush on the ladies’ room, I said a quick goodbye to my last date and made a run for it. The truth was I didn’t really need to use the bathroom. It’s probably a sign that I have undiagnosed social anxiety disorder, but I sort of like going to the bathroom and “getting away from it all.” I like the privacy, the moment alone to think my own thoughts. I often let my mind wander, and forget that I'm actually supposed to be somewhere. So I was sitting in the stall, pondering away, when a group of women walked in. “Did you meet that guy, Bill, yet?” the woman in the red heels said. “Which one is he?” the woman in the black heels (I think?) said. “The big one in the suit? The cute one? He works in television,” Red Heels said, as if she learned it from pillow talk. “Oh, yeah! He was hot!” Black Heels agreed. “I hope he checks me off,” Peep Toes chimed in. “I hope he does more than that!” Black Heels whispered. I felt like a fly on the wall in that ladies’ room (even though there were actual flies who might have disagreed with that assessment). It seemed that Bill was the guy they were all after. Bill was the guy that everyone wanted to be checked off by. Bill was the tallest monkey, and we were all hungry for impossible-to-reach bananas. When round two started, Bill was the first one to sit down at my table. He smiled and I smiled back. You could tell he was tall and big—he seemed almost unwieldy behind that tiny little bar table. He was wearing a really nice suit, and his dark blond hair was straight and cut pretty short. His shoulders were hunched in a little, in a shy, almost protective way. He seemed like a man of few words, so I started the conversation with the only thing I could think of to say. “I was in the ladies’ room earlier and everyone was talking about how they want you to pick them,” I said, instantly regretting it. I get three minutes with a guy and I’m going to talk about the bathroom? “Oh, really?” he said, leaning back a bit. “I’m probably not going to pick any of them.” I was kind of surprised. A lot of the women in the first round seemed like the kind of women every straight guy seemed to like. And if online personal ads were to be believed, didn’t every straight guy want a petite, athletic woman with straight hair who is as comfortable wearing jeans to a Yankee game as she is wearing a ball gown? I could imagine Black Heels, Red Heels, and Peep Toes meeting these important criteria. “Why not?” “They’re not really my type,” he said, with a smile. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok I've got two pieces of good news for you: (1) You can read the whole story if you order Hot & Heavy! (2) You can get all the Golda you can handle this summer through Everyday Feminism's Summer of Body Love Online Course! If you're ready to free yourself from body shame and embrace your body - no matter what its size or shape - then check out the Summer of Body Love online course. You'll get the most powerful techniques to heal from negative body image issues and begin your body love journey – all while having the summer of your dreams! Click to learn more. - tweeted Sunday by Professor Geoffrey Miller, Dept. Psychology, UNM
Below is the letter I wrote to the University of New Mexico, where Miller has a permanent post. I'm asking everyone who reads this to email (feel free to cut and paste this letter) and/or call (which I will be doing this week) and use the hastag #FireGeoffreyMiller this week. Phone: (505) 277-4121 Fax: (505) 277-1394 psych@unm.edu Hello, I recently saw the article about Geoffrey Miller's fatphobic tweet stating that fat PhD candidates ought not apply because they lack the discipline to complete a dissertation. I feel it is my duty to personally contact you because of not only the egregiousness of this statement for its obvious fatphobia, but also because of the gendered and racialized nature of the issue of fatness/weight in the United States. I hope that it is clear that - through this statement - he is further discouraging women (under-represented in tenure track positions) and people of color (under-represented across the board in academia by nearly every measure) from pursuing academic careers. I hope that you understand the seriousness of his statement. I have faith that you will deal with Mr. Miller's decision with the severity it merits. #FireGeoffreyMiller Sincerely, Virgie Tovar I was asked by Kearny Street Workshop to walk the runway for their May 31 event, Celebrate Your Body, representing my new fav SF upcycle/vintage spot 31 Rax. On Friday night SOMArts was packed with San Francisco's finest fashionistas (including some of my closest friends), vendors and lots of wine. These were the looks that competed for top two: it was tough letting go of peplum and this purple chiffon Miss Piggy + fur look! The show started at 8pm, but a lot went into prep! Me and my runway teacup pig, Miss La Chochi (formerly "Sunshine" #psh), and I had been up since, like, 9am! Our hair and makeup appointment was at 2:30, practice was at 4:30 and photo shoot was at 7:30! We barely managed to get in our coffee and mandatory lumpia snacks pre-show! For the runway I ended up going with two looks: a Jackie O yachting homage with pearls, white gloves, a vintage seal skin hat with veil and red pumps (pics forthcoming on Facebook) (we styled Miss La Chochi with a red leopard print scarf to keep the look modern - though pictured here with pearls). And a vintage (80s?), long-sleeve, loud floral print with paisley highlights and faux wrap-around crop top, which I styled with an over-sized hair flower and vintage fur collar. Here are snippets from an interview I did with Kearny Street Workshop pre-show:
Anne Cuthbert, of Food Is Not the Enemy, knows first hand what it's like to deal with food and body issues. For years, she struggled with food issues and hating her body. Fourteen years later that has definitely changed. Anne is now passionate about her work as a counselor, helping people to eat whatever they want and feel good about it. I interviewed Anne recently!
Virgie: What is the one thing you'd tell someone who is just starting out on their journey to self-love? Anne: First, I would say "Yay for you!" It takes a lot of courage to step out of the box and move toward loving yourself. It takes courage to face your feelings and to change your beliefs and to be different from others. Yay for you! Now that you've found the courage to do it, find safe, loving support! This can be through the support of friends, family or co-workers who you trust and feel safe with. It's even better if they are starting or in the midst of their journey too. It's also okay to get professional help, especially if you don't have enough (or any) support elsewhere. Although very rewarding, this may be a difficult journey and having help along the way can really make a big difference! Virgie: I totally agree! Community and support are two of the most important things in my practice of self-love. Ok, I'm always asking people this question and I'd love to know your answer: Why do you think fatphobia is so pervasive in our culture? Anne: Our own, deep, personal fear of fat, which often goes unacknowledged. We tend to think it's just the way it is, rather than exploring and admitting our own fears. First, our culture teaches us that being fat is bad. That's a belief, not fact, but a transparent belief that we see as fact. Seeing that fat people are treated with disdain teaches us that you never want to become that. The fear then keeps us pushing fat people away (or our own fatness) and convincing ourselves that there is something fundamentally wrong with people who are fat. The fear is what keeps it so pervasive. Fear is an emotion that protects us and tells us to run away, even if the fear is unfounded. The fear doesn't know any difference and can't mentally figure out the difference. It just says "that's bad... run!" Therefore, fear about being fat or getting fat keeps us running away from it and making up stories to give evidence that the fear is true. This cycle tends to dig us deeper into the fear and belief until we only recognize it as the facts. I think if there wasn't so much fear around being fat, people would show curiosity and love for others and have space to believe that being fat is okay and even wonderful. Virgie: Being fat is wonderful! Ok, last question. What was your personal journey to self-love? Anne: My journey started one day while walking toward the library at University California at Santa Barbara. Several feet in front of me was a thin woman with long, straight blonde hair. I noticed her hair and wished it was mine. I noticed her legs and wished they were mine. I noticed her body, piece by piece, and wished I looked like her. I was convinced that the person walking with her was her friend because she looked that way. I was obsessed with comparing myself to her. Suddenly, it hit me! I was wasting my time, my life thinking about her and how she looked. Doing this wasn't going to make me happier or a better person. It certainly hadn't so far and this wasn't going to change. I knew, in that moment, that I had to change! I had to love and accept myself in order to be happy and a better person. Thank you for sharing your words with us, Anne <3! Find Anne online at Food Is Not the Enemy. Along with Anne's personal and professional experience with eating disorders, she is a licensed Marriage a,nd Family Therapist in California and a Licensed Professional Counselor in Oregon. She holds a Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology from Antioch University, Santa Barbara, CA. Anne's counseling experience spans over 12 years and has included studying and working with experts in the eating disorder field, teaching counseling and communication skills classes, and assisting and managing several personal growth seminars and support groups. Anne provides individual and group counseling as well as body image workshops to people who want to make friends with food and peace with their body. In considering how to address a recently publicized interview with Abercrombie & Fitch CEO, Mike Jeffries, I found myself wanting to make fun of MJeff. What else can you do when this fool has written himself – a flip flop wearing, crunchy hair brandishing, cologne doused, self-loathing 70 year old - out of his own definition of “cool kids?” Even more puzzling is that I had been written out of the definition of cool kids. What?! I know. Ridick. Ghurl, clearly MJeff cannot be trusted. Normally this kind of absurdity gets a pun and a chuckle and then I move onto whatever pressing dessert or fashion issue is on my agenda.
But then I realized that I had to take Jeffries’ statements seriously. And I wanted to. They are not merely an instance of Lil' Mr. Hot Mess being out of pocket but are an instance that showcases that business-sanctioned fatphobia is in fact a civil rights issue. His statements unveil the political vulnerability of fat people, especially fat women (who, according to Jeffries, are women over a size 10). It forced me to ruminate on the ways that fat folks are stigmatized and reviled with such reckless self-righteousness and with no protection from the law. I was also interested in both what Jeffries said explicitly and what he implied through coded language: "We go after the attractive all-American kid..." -Mike Jeffries What's particularly noteworthy to me is what his statements say about his ideal (only?) customer, using descriptors like "cool kid" and "all-American." If you've watched Fox News or any neo-conservative media you're probably familiar with the "'Merica for 'Mericans" trope. It is a favored linguistic tool that obscures meaning: conflating Americaness or coolness with specific racial and class markers. Jeffries explicitly talks about his hatred of fat people and of old people, but the phrases "All American" and "cool kids" leave his statements in that murky area of plausible deniability. If A&F images (and price tags) are any indicator, it's clear what "All American" and "cool kid" means: white, middle-class, able-bodied, and cisgendered as well. One journalist/activist, Janssen McCormick has put out a call on Facebook for an "Abercrombie Fat-In" involving fat presence in stores all over the US on May 25. Jeffries' statement and the belief system that oversees his fatphobic brand are unjust, immoral and bigoted. Finally, the purposeful and explicit exclusion of people of size from an establishment is something I believe should be unlawful. Watch my recent commentary on this issue on San Francisco's CBS 5 evening news:
These are just a few of the facts that I've made up to showcase some of the oft-neglected victims of dieting. Today on International No Diet Day #INDD I ruminate on lost calories from my past, the meals that got away, and our sad uneaten cookie comrades. I dieted a lot for a long time. I dieted so hard I gave myself scurvy one time. The psychological and physical harms of dieting are not debatable. That dieting doesn't work is not debatable. That dieting is a racket is not debatable. At this point in my fat life, I'm just mad at diet culture because of all the delicious meals I missed. And so I'm taking a moment to remember that eight course meal in Florence that I missed because I was on a diet. I want to remember the birthday cake I skipped in the name of skinny jeans. I want to remember the cannolis and the cream and the bagel bites and all the fucken butter that I missed out on because of you, you dirty lying diet bastard. I don't exactly remember the moment that I decided I was going to stop dieting forever, but I remember that along the way to that point I wrote something called "The Dick to Dessert Ratio" in which I (pseudo) mathematically broke down why I didn't want to diet in the pursuit of romance or sex anymore: Conclusion: 3 truffles = <greater than/equal to> most wang I remember when I realized that dieting was about so much more than the pursuit of love or romance or bikini-wearing. Dieting is about more than even weight loss. It's about estranging you from your body. It is about untethering you from what your body is trying to tell you about what you need and what you want. It is about engaging and preoccupying you in an impossible project of conformity. That it is impossible is at the very heart of dieting. The pursuit of impossibility creates and ensures control and docility. It teaches you that the problem is not out there, but in here. And that feeling is essential to the occupation of your mind and your heart. When I stop trying to lose weight I regained the parts of myself that I thought I'd lost forever. I love this body and because I love it I refuse to subject it to dieting. And, ghurl, that bacon isn't going to eat itself. Happy International No Diet Day! xo, Virgie I'm a believer in the power of panels. I wanted to put together something that focused on fat and with the help of my friend, Perla, who is an MPH and the health coordinator for the UC Berkeley co-op system, we came up with "Fat Shame: The Politics of Body Image, Gender & Reclamation." I invited Alex Lannon, who's the voice of the most amazing band I've ever seen, GAYMOUS, and who also did work in fat studies at Southwestern, and emerging fat studies scholar Philippe Fradet, who's doing research on narratives of sexuality among fat youth of color at San Francisco State University. We spent the evening at Sherman House at the upper edge of the UC Berkeley campus. Here are some of my favorite parts of the evening: 1. The pig mug I got to use for water: 2. When Alex talked about their experience growing up on Jenny Craig and how their sponsor became their first fat friend and helped to subvert the Jenny Craig points system by hoarding Jennycakes. 3. When Philippe talked about the relationship between stressors, discrimination and things like high blood pressure, which is often attributed to fat - especially in Black/Latino community - but which is rarely correlated with the stress of fat stigma or racism. 4. When Judy Freespirit's granddaughter, Amy, came up to us after the panel and told us she was Judy Freespirit's granddaughter! 5. The amazing dolma and baba ghannouj and pita and lamb and chicken dinner before the panel (oh, and sparkling pink lemonade!).
6. During the Q & A someone in the audience asked how the house could become more fat positive, and Alex told them about their activity calendar near the bathroom saying that activities should focus on the joy of movement and not on weight loss/maintenance. 7. When asked the question "how does your fat identity interact with your other identities" I said I identified as uppity and talked about the ways that politeness is heternormative (and bo-ring). 8. After I said the thing about being uppity, Perla asked what the opposite of uppity was and then coined the phrase "downity," which elicited many snaps. xo, Virgie p.s. Sorry this event wasn't promoted beforehand. We had to keep it a secret since the panel was housed in a co-op where students live. Dear Kim Kardashian's Armpit Fat, I found out about you today while getting a mani/pedi in the shade of mint in the Marina when I happened upon the InTouch Magazine headline: “Kim sobs: ‘Even my armpits are fat’” Now, I personally find KK’s body among the sexiest of the highly visible celeb selection on offer in the tabloids. Though Kim is not what my friends (or I) would call fat, I think she has showcased the desirability and beauty of fuller hips, bigger breasts (and butts) and darker features. Kim’s body offers a(n at least partial) rebuttal to the imagery of the blonde-haired, blue-eyed “All-American” beauty. And I really like that about KK.
But back to you. I have to say that even though I relate to Kim’s arm fat woes, you are not sob-worthy. Arm fat – of the armpit and beyond variety – has long been a source of complicated feelings for me and can be the “final frontier” for some of even the most ardent body positive folks. As the love of my round belly and my thigh jiggle grows, I find that my arms remain a difficult zone to profess my love to. The right to bare arms is not something that I take advantage of very often. To you, Kim Kardashian’s armpit fat, I say: you're hot dammit! I'm not afraid to defend your hotness. You and my armpit fat need to set up a play date. And because I love you so much I must love my own. So here it is. This armpit fat pic is dedicated to you. xo, Virgie I'm still recovering from this cold. Two Saturdays ago I was on my way to a friend date in Lower Pac Heights. En route I was sitting on the MUNI and there was a literal father and son snot symphony happening behind me. Even though I've experienced my share of viral exposure while in transit (girl can't complain about getting chauffeured around on the city dime too much!), I had a moment of prescience. I totally knew I was going to get sick that day! Yes, I know The Secret would dictate that this very thought is the reason that I "caught" (/gave myself) a cold. The point is: it happened. By the time it had firmly taken root in my face, the cold threatened to ruin my entire weekend. Yes, I had to cancel some highly anticipated plans, but there were others that simply couldn't be missed, namely: Buckshot & Bordeaux at the Pacific Rod & Gun Club (Clark Gable used to shoot there!). I'd found out about B&B through dapper new friends I met at the Asterisk Magazine Issue Release Party earlier that week. There is nothing on earth that could have kept me from skeet shooting and charcuterie, ghurl. No-thing. Needless to say my eating and smelling and hearing senses were impaired, which, yeah, was both pseudo dangerous on a gun range but was mostly just kinda sad what with all that delicious food around. Additionally because I'd taken Tylenol "Severe" Cold (which had no effect on me whatsoever; I thought that "Severe" meant it was actually going to work this time), I couldn't booze it up too hard because of the mythical liver damages. I kept asking people nearby how much they believed in liver damage caused by acetaminophen and wine mixing. Conclusion: difficult to say. I decided - to my chagrin - to play it safe. Life always seems shorter and more precious when you're ill, right? Regardless I was able to make my way through all seven courses, including some zingers like these here quail legs: Lessons learned:
1. Move away from families carrying snot on the train. 2. I hate shooting guns. 3. I love food. 4. It's difficult to know how much liver damage one can get from mixing acetominophen and booze. Use these lessons wisely. xo, Virgie Last Saturday me and BFF, Jessica, went straight from breakfast burritos at The Grind to Intersection for the Arts for a Kearny Street Workshop hosted modeling and runway workshop in anticipation of their sure-to-be-bomb fashion show on May 31, Celebrate Your Body (use code "fashionforward" for limited time to get $2 off price of admission), where you will see me, duh, modeling & strutting. Was this the first time I've experienced the harrowing challenge that is le modeling? No. But Saturday was a crash course in working the runway. Stephanie of San Francisco's 31Rax was presiding as I and about 40 others (in a dazzling array of representation across the size, gender, race, and age spectrum) werq'd it to Rihanna et al. Here are the 3 secrets that I learned about working the runway (and life): 1. Slow down - way down. Find the beat to the song that's blasting and really feel it in your hips and your feet. My burlesque training really came in handy on this one. 2. Make every moment photograph worthy (rule to live by!). 3. Make eye contact. As you walk down the runway, as you pose. Check out Kearny Street Workshop's upcoming show, Celebrate Your Body, on May 31 in San Francisco. Save $2 off tickets with secret code "fashionforward" now.
Keywords: fat modeling, fat fashion, fatshion, plus size fashion |
Virgie Tovar
Virgie Tovar, MA is one of the nation's leading experts and lecturers on fat discrimination and body image. She is the founder of Babecamp (a 4 week online course focused on helping people break up with diet culture) and the editor of Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love and Fashion (Seal Press, 2012). She writes about the intersections of size, identity, sexuality and politics. See more updates on Facebook. Archives
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