VIRGIE TOVAR
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Best Thing I Heard This Week: Break-ups Over Bellies + Revenge!!

9/11/2013

 
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this very belly is where our story begins!
While enjoying Labor Day festivities at one of San Francisco's premier socialite's home, I was lucky enough to find myself seated next to one of SF's most gifted maker of superb hair pieces.

She said she had a juicy story to tell me - a break-up story no less! - and I've decided that you HAD to hear this story too (yes, I got her permission to tell you - don't worry, ghurl!). I had briefly met this boy she was dating - we'll call him "The Thing" to retain respectful anonymity, but also because this is the nom de guerre by which she refers to him, and you know I like to respect the story teller. I can now say that he struck me as a bit meh - ok, maybe a little worse than that - especially considering the charm, loveliness and talents of his date.

Well, it turns out that they were in the midst of moving their relationship to the next level. She was going to let him move in and she was going to begin supporting him as he embarked on a new artist lifestyle. (Aside: Yes, at this point I audibly gasped - ghurl, you know I try not to judge because, ghurl, whatever works works, but I say rule #1 DO NOT support a man, ghurl. Not for a day, not for a week and not as a lifestyle choice. I know we're in 3.5th wave feminism, but I don't need to tell you that patriarchy is alive and kicking and we all know how radicalism somehow manages to end up serving oppressive people/aesthetics all the time, but I digress).

She nods knowingly in response to my gasp. Good, we're on the same page.

Then she says one afternoon they were sitting around and she noticed him staring at her belly. She had recently gained about 10 pounds, and she decided to bring it up.

"I noticed you looking at my belly and I was wondering what you were thinking."

He was apparently quite verklempt, but managed to convey that he was thinking that she had gotten bigger. GASP. She's (rightfully) hurt, but decides to process on it. People are allowed to have feelings. (Aside: Fatphobia is not a "feeling" but I must note her incredible magnanimity... anywaaaay).

After a day she was ready to talk it out, but then had a lingering question.

So she posed it:

"Is it just this 10 pounds or have you always had a problem with my weight?"

Again very verklempt he replied: "Always."

Apparently it had been a problem for him and he had always just sort of hoped she'd lose weight on her own (after he bought her a pound of chocolate all on his own just 2 days prior). It was then that she got up, exposed her belly, and yelled:

"LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT ALL OF THIS. THIS IS ME, AND I AM BEAUTIFUL."

She slowly turned a full circle. "These are my big, beautiful hips and my wide, flat ass, and my jiggly thighs. This is who I am, and I AM BEAUTIFUL! THIS WAS HERE BEFORE YOU AND IT WILL BE HERE LONG AFTER YOU'RE GONE!!!"

And with that, the story of The Thing came to a ceremonious close.
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Hi, beautiful belly!
Laura link
9/10/2013 10:59:17 pm

That's an awesome story! (Well, awesome the way she handled it, obviously not awesome that he was a douchewaffle.) Huzzah for bellies!

As for your rule about never supporting a man, though....does that mean you're opposed to stay-at-home dads? I feel like there are a lot of different situations that could be summed up as "supporting a man," and not all of them are wrong for the people involved. For just one example, what if a man and a woman are in a LTR or married, and the man suddenly loses his job (and either can't collect unemployment, or the benefits aren't enough to live on)? Is his partner just supposed to let him starve while he looks for a new job?

Yes, it's important to be conscious of the dynamics, and to make sure you're not letting some guy freeload off of you, as this particular guy seemed to be doing. But I'm really not ok with the generalization that a woman supporting her male partner is never right for anyone, ever. Life is a lot more complicated than that.

Laura link
9/10/2013 11:11:12 pm

Also, I'm really not a fan of the idea that everyone should be self-sufficient, always. (Or even that all men should be self-sufficient, always--I'm not sure what your feelings are about men supporting women, women supporting women, women supporting non-binary people, etc.) It's just so...individualistic.

It erases the fact that sometimes people need each other, and people of any gender can't always get by on their own--whether because of economic reasons, disability, mental illness, etc.. Not to mention that sometimes, one partner supporting the other's artistic endeavors can be the right choice for a couple. One of my favorite fat acceptance writers got her start when her husband supported her so that she could write! While I don't know her or the dynamic of her marriage personally, I'm grateful that her husband made it possible for her to bring so much important writing into the world. If she were a man and her partner were a woman, I'd feel the same way.

Virgie Tovar
9/11/2013 01:44:10 am

Laura,
Yes, this is an amazing story!
It sounds like my rule struck a nerve with some feelings you haven't entirely resolved. This is *my* rule. It doesn't have to be *your* rule.
xo

Laura link
9/11/2013 11:11:36 am

That makes sense! To each her own.


Comments are closed.
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    Virgie Tovar

    Virgie Tovar, MA is one of the nation's leading experts and lecturers on fat discrimination and body image. She is the founder of Babecamp (a 4 week online course focused on helping people break up with diet culture) and the editor of Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love and Fashion (Seal Press, 2012). She writes about the intersections of size, identity, sexuality and politics. See more updates on Facebook.

    WHY IS THERE NO COMMENTS SECTION?
    I have permanently closed the comment section on my blog as of 8/20/15 so that I can better utilize the time I had previously dedicated to moderating comments. I encourage folks who have thoughts about my work to go out and have a conversation with someone about what you loved (or hated.. boo) about my writing over coffee.    

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