VIRGIE TOVAR
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I'm the Whole Motherfucking Package!

7/17/2014

 
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Photo taken by Corri Frohlich. Crop top from Fat Fancy in Portland.
A few days ago my boyfriend said something that healed the little fat girl inside me:

"You're the whole package."

It's funny/sad/to-be-expected-I-guess that I keep finding little creepy ass fat shame skeletons in my closet and wounds I thought had long been healed.

When he said it I felt tingly and flattered, but I also felt a little bit surprised. And that surprised feeling kinda surprised me.

I was taught that my fat body was what prevented me from being whole and definitely prevented me from being anyone's idea of a whole package.

I was taught that no one would love me and if they were with me it was because they couldn't do any better.

These beliefs have made it difficult to feel safe in romantic relationships and get close to people I date and love. That's how fatphobia and other systems of discrimination and oppression work: they isolate us from love and an understanding of our intrinsic value, worth and beauty.

This week I dedicated a bunch of time to finishing edits for an article I wrote for the UC Berkeley Ethnic Studies Journal.

At first I didn't want to talk about the role that men played in my story of healing. Even though I wrote really (REALLY) openly about it in Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love and Fashion this time I was writing for an academic audience and I was afraid of how it would be received by other feminist scholars.  But my editors pushed me to talk about the ways I came to heal my relationship to my body. And leaving my boos out of that story would have been a dishonest omission.

I realized in writing about that journey, that it was my friends and community who helped me survive and who brought me back into my body. Yes, my partners and lovers have played a part in my recovery from the debilitating fatphobia I had internalized. And yes those people have historically been dudes. But the bigger story was that they weren't just boyfriends. They became a part of my community. Just like the friends I wasn't sleeping with, they helped me see the world in a different way and they helped me see my place within that world differently. They saw me, and our shared sexual connection did not diminish their contribution to my healing. And that is something I am, honestly, still processing.

For a long time I have placed my boyfriends outside of my community, both actually and psychologically. As a feminist with my past, men have long been a source of suspicion, even (and maybe especially) the men I let into my life intimately.

My community of fat and fat positive friends has been the most pivotal part of becoming the person/femme/activist-badass I am today.

My boos aren't outside of that community.

So when my boyfriend told me I was the whole package, he helped me to see something about myself that I apparently couldn't see for myself. And I love him for that.

So today I'd like to talk about how I'm the Whole Motherfucking Package (WMFP)! I'd like to define what that means and in such tell you why you're the WMFP too.

The WMFP is someone who has a complicated and at times difficult history and who has the capacity to heal from that past.

The WMFP is someone who sees that their CURRENT body as it exists RIGHT NOW is central to their WMFP-ness.

The WMFP is someone who knows who they are and fights to be that person.

The WMFP is someone who knows how to take lemons and turn them into fucken delicious alcoholic beverages or has the capacity to be that person.

The WMFP is someone who has room in their heart to hold other people.

The WMFP knows that traditional, oppressive standards of beauty based in sizeism, racism, ableism and ageism are fucken TI-RED. The WMFP is someone who is working to define their own beauty.

The WMFP is not strong all the time and doesn't feel like a badass all the time. The WMFP can be vulnerable and tender too.

What does being The Whole Motherfucken Package mean to you?

xo,
Virgie
#LoseHateNotWeight

Have you heard of the FAT ACTIVISM CONFERENCE? I'm key noting it! It's a virtual conference and I hope you can make it!
chickfactor
7/17/2014 03:37:11 am

I think I would die of happiness if someone genuinely believed that I was the WMFP. I've never met anyone who did, or if they did they kept very quiet about it. I've been single for nearly five years and I can't imagine that ever changing now. Helpful friends say that if I can't love myself how can I expect anyone else to love me..? So as I head towards forty I have resigned myself to never being anyone's WMFP. I can live with that.

Virgie Tovar
7/17/2014 04:06:47 am

Hi chickfactor ♡
I mostly wanted to write to hold space for you and bear witness to your experience. It is fucking hard to see amazingness in oneself. I struggle with worthiness feels all the time ♡♡

jennifer link
7/17/2014 04:44:35 am

This is how I feel every single time my boyfriend tells me how much he cares for me. When he says i'm a "sex goddess," and just loves me so well. I hope I never lose that jolt of excitement.

I said I would never marry again, but how I can I lose a man who has made me whole?

I think there are women of every ilk who would love to have a man like that!

Mary
7/17/2014 05:45:30 am

This post! Yes, you are the WMFP and so am I, but it took some big leaps to figure that out. Your book helped, and friends, lovers, burlesque and letting go of all the false stories I believed were true for so long. Do I feel like the WMFP everyday, no, but that's okay. I do more often than not, and that is a wonderful feeling. Thanks for writing this and being your amazing whole package self!!

Janelle link
7/17/2014 07:13:33 am

Dear Virgie

You are so fabulous. You voice experiences that so many people have, and you have the courage to say the things that many of us feel shame about, with the added layer of feeling shame for feeling the shame :/

As a bodyworker and artist, I see the beauty in others so clearly. I also see how hard it is for the people in my life (including myself) to see the beauty in themselves.

We all, all of us, are the WMFP. We don't need permission from anyone to be awesome as we are, but it sure does feel good to hear it anyways!

Keep on keeping on.

Janelle

Rilla link
7/17/2014 12:45:38 pm

BELIEVING him when you he said it is the important piece. Living in the confidence of that belief makes the world believe it too. :) It's a wonderful feeling to be truly loved as you are and I'm blessed to be loved, and love back, like that too.

Linda
7/18/2014 03:47:15 am

I am crying over here because I want so much to be the WMFP. Or rather, because I know deep down that I am, and my husband tells me I am, but I'm struggling so hard to believe it most of the time. Thank you for my new mantra whenever I'm feeling down about myself. I am the Whole Muthafuckin Package!

carissa nichols
8/9/2014 01:23:34 am

you just ass-kick my mind. i liked it. i have just celebrated my one year anniversary with a wonderful man. it is the longest i have ever been with someone. he likes my neon green warts and my barbed tail. he accepts all of me. it is absolutely terrifying but at 50 years old you have to either decide to be brave or give up and die and i am sick of being afraid.
you rock
thanks


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    Virgie Tovar

    Virgie Tovar, MA is one of the nation's leading experts and lecturers on fat discrimination and body image. She is the founder of Babecamp (a 4 week online course focused on helping people break up with diet culture) and the editor of Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love and Fashion (Seal Press, 2012). She writes about the intersections of size, identity, sexuality and politics. See more updates on Facebook.

    WHY IS THERE NO COMMENTS SECTION?
    I have permanently closed the comment section on my blog as of 8/20/15 so that I can better utilize the time I had previously dedicated to moderating comments. I encourage folks who have thoughts about my work to go out and have a conversation with someone about what you loved (or hated.. boo) about my writing over coffee.    

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  • ABOUT
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